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What getting pregnant REALLY looks like…
What getting pregnant REALLY looks like…
Struggling to conceive can feel like an overwhelming, lonely journey full of disappointment and sadness.
When you reach that point in your life where you decide to try for a baby it is so exciting and a little scary! You stop your contraceptive and wait with anticipation for that missed period and little line on the test window… only it doesn’t come. But your period does. Again. And again. And again.
The fact is that for a huge amount of couples this is the reality. 1 in 6 couples will have difficulty conceiving (trying for over a year). The impact that this can have on individuals, couples and their mental health can be devastating. Especially when many keep their struggle private whilst feeling more and more desperate, frustrated and confused.
Even for those who do share their despair with family or friends, it can often add to their frustration and add fuel to feelings of helplessness, unhelpful thoughts and powerlessness.
The Facts
Only 1 out of 4 couples will get pregnant in the first month of trying for a baby.
1 in 6 couples will have difficulty trying to conceive (it will take longer than a year) that’s around 3.5 million people in the UK.
1/3 of fertility issues are related to the female.
1/3 of fertility issues are related to the male.
1/3 of fertility issues are linked to both or unexplained.
About 40% of IVF treatments are successful.
How your thoughts and beliefs can change.
You start out so enthusiastically! “I’ve looked at the stats so it probably won’t be straight away. Maybe more like three months….”
Once those months, negative tests and periods start to pass by, your initial beliefs about getting pregnant can be challenged. This leaves you feeling confused and having unhelpful thoughts that can become overwhelming:
“What is wrong with me?”
“Why isn’t it happening?”
“What are we doing wrong?”
It’s not as plain sailing as you were expecting and every period deepens your sadness, disappointment and a feeling of self-doubt (“What if it never happens?”).
You try to stay positive! You keep Googling, you join Facebook support groups, you buy packs of ovulation tests and download the latest fertility app in a bid to increase your chances or find out why it’s not happening.
The reality is, that while you do these things to try and make yourself feel better, they often create higher stress and greater anxiety as you start to try to micromanage the situation.
All of a sudden you’ve gone from enjoying and looking forward to the experience, to feeling emotional, stressed and increasingly upset and disappointed.
How other people can add to unhelpful beliefs
“It’ll happen when the time is right.”
This adds so many questions to your already overthinking, stressed mind!
“Does that mean the time isn’t right?” “When will it be right?”.
This statement is meant to give hope, I get that, but actually what happens if there is a problem that needs to be medically addressed? What if it’s never doing to happen without assisted support? What if it’s just never going to happen?
As unpleasant as those things are to think about, they could be the reality. And actually, having a realistic perspective is much more likely to make you feel in control of the situation and take helpful action to get help or advice where it is needed.
“If you stop stressing about it, it will happen. Stop trying so hard.”
You already know this. You Googled it. Science TELLS you that stress is not helpful. But stop stressing?? How??
The first few months of trying were relatively calm and relaxed. But the more time goes on, the more stressed you become and it can feel like it is all life is about. It’s excruciating!
Having something else to focus on is really important. Trying to make sure that your whole life is not revolving around sex, tracking and weeing on sticks can help to keep your mind spiralling out of control.
Try a new hobby. Join an online course. Plan a holiday. Anything (that is not baby related) that will keep your mind busy on other things.
Maybe it’s just not meant to be.
Says who? Not everyone chooses to have children and that is absolutely understandable but unless someone is born without the available anatomy to do so, why isn’t someone meant to have children?
It may be something that you tell yourself to make you feel better about a long term decision but actually, if you want children, then there are so many routes you can explore to try and make that dream come true. There is so much help out there now and the science into infertility is moving forwards all the time.
Taking helpful action will make you feel more in control and will make you feel like you are taking steps in the right direction even if you take a backwards step at times too.
Have you been tested for ‘X’ ‘Y’ or ‘Z’?
You? Who says the problem is you? All too often people assume that the issue with not being able to get pregnant MUST be down to the woman.
Whether the problem is with the female, the male, both, or seemingly neither is completely irrelevant. It can make the woman feel judged, useless and broken. Even in fertility clinics, conversations are often directed to the woman, even if the known problem with the male.
Why is that? Who knows? The reality is that the treatment “is done” to the woman and that actually we don’t know a huge amount about male fertility or how to improve it, Although, as I say, science is moving forwards all the time.
But directing the problem at the woman can not only make the male feel left out and feeling hopeless (especially if they know the issue is them or partly them) but can also increase the woman’s unhelpful thoughts and beliefs about how it must be something wrong with them too.
Tips to stay mentally strong.
– Recognise when your thoughts are not helpful and try and change them for something more helpful.
– Have something else to focus on within your life. Either together as a couple or individually.
– Maintain perspective. Being overly optimistic or overly negative is not helpful. If you hope hope hope, you are likely to feel even more disappointed when things don’t work out. If you are too negative you are likely to give up and feel like a failure. Look at reality and think about what you CAN control.
– Plan action. What action can YOU take? Small steps, one at a time. See the GP, look at options – it will help you feel like you are being proactive and being in control.
– Beware of giving yourself a hard time. What good will it do? It will create more stress and anxiety (not helpful), make you feel worse and increase your feelings of helplessness. So be kind to yourself. Do not lay blame. Be realistic.
– Stand up for the truth. If people are saying things that you don’t agree with and that are not helpful – firstly, you do not have to take that on board as reality. Thoughts are not facts. That goes for yours as well as other peoples. You can either let someone have their say and choose not to let it impact you. Or you can tell them that you don’t agree or that it’s not helpful to hear.
– Seek help. You are not on this journey alone. Support groups can be really helpful. But some people can find that they add to worries and fears too. Get help that is suitable for you.
It’s okay to feel angry, sad, frustrated. But you should also be able to choose and control your thoughts and feelings and not feel overwhelmed by them.
Further help
At Chanya, we offer specific short courses for people that are trying to conceive and that are struggling to manage their thoughts and feelings and feel their perspective is getting out of control. We look at how to build helpful thoughts and beliefs and how to keep your self-esteem high DESPITE what may be happening in the situation. Click here to find out more or book a free 30-minute consultation to find out how we can help you.
07849 786177
